I did something very difficult today. I passed on an opportunity that presented itself to me. One that is, or maybe was, a dream of mine. I am not 100% sure why I did it... and I don't even know if it was the right decision.
I turned down the opportunity at a job today. It wasn't an offer
per se but it was a pretty good opportunity at one. It has to do with this whole War waging in our country regarding our government, health care, and the culture of death. In fact, some are calling it a Crusade. (See:
A New Crusade ) I don't feel "at peace" about making this decision like you would imagine a person would be after making a big decision about something. In fact, I felt quite unsettled.
You see, I prayed the St. Joseph Novena - that ended on Friday, St. Joseph's Day. Then, that very night I received an email about an opportunity, political in nature, someone looking to bring someone on to help them fight this war, this crusade if you will. To be honest... this was a dream of mine. A high level campaign job, for a high ranking office, the opportunity at defending freedom, morals, and maybe eventually a job with an elected representative. This dream started years ago though, in college, when I was a little younger, single, and didn't have a family. But I figured it was still there, within reach, and heck God presented it to me on St. Joseph's DAY! Patron Saint of workers, the Saint I was named after - it seemed as if the stars were aligned perfectly.
So I knew the opportunity was out there, and I knew I was being suggested as someone who could fulfill this role. So I prayed. ::SILENCE:: That is all I heard. I prayed at Mass, I prayed after Mass, I prayed before bed. ::SILENCE:: Then I woke up this morning.... ::HEADACHE:: So I got in the shower, a place where I pray quite well, and still nothing. I looked at my phone and I had a voicemail. I knew it was coming. So I listened and called the person back. All I could say was, "I am sorry, but I dont think I am the right person for this."
I talked to the people that I trust the most in my life. My mom, Brian, and of course my wife. They all said very different things, but conveyed the same message. My mom gave me advice that I expected. She told me that my allegiance to my current position in life and my family obviously put on my heart that this opportunity wasn't right for me. I figured it was just her being nice, that she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. Then there was Brian.
Brian tried really hard to make me see that I made the "right" decision. He knows how important that is to me, but everytime he would say something to explain that to me, I would say, "but..." and his argument would crumble beneath itself. He couldn't construct an argument, that would withstand one of my attacks, as to how I obviously made the decision that was ultimately what God wanted. I figured that he too was just trying to make me feel better. He tried to explain that maybe this war wasn't going to change with my decision, maybe it was bigger than me, and this opportunity. It reminded me something my dad would say.
Then I talked to my wife. She gave me the, "I would be happy with any decision you make." Most men would kill for this. A wife that is willing to uproot her life at the mere whim of her husbands desires and pursuits. She too tried to figure out a way to convince me that I made the "right" decision. She talked about my heart, my desire for my family, my desire for her, and all the happiness that I was pursuing was really God focused and it just didn't include this opportunity. Again, I thought she was just being "nice." I still came away feeling as if I maybe made the wrong decision.
I didn't understand why God wasn't "speaking" to me, why he wasn't directing me, leading me, or at least counseling me in my decision making. I mean, every blog, news site, and even facebook post seemed to be about this issue, this fight, this WAR. Who better than someone like me, to take up my sword, and charge in ready to fight! I mean, for crying out loud how often do I post about the need for men to be brave and strong and to stand up and fight for what is right?! Where would my bravery be if I slinked away from this opportunity, obviously presented to me by God, on St. Joseph's day if I shurgged it aside becasue I was worried about a few little things like time with my wife and daughter, the happiness of some family and friends, and the simple pleasures we have recently found? What a hypocrite I would be! Right?
Then it hit me.
We spent an unexpected afternoon yesterday with new friends. In fact we had just met all of these people at church yesterday. One of their sons was being baptized and I went up to them to congratulate them and to introduce myself to Dan from
Gun Lovin' Alaskan Catholic Club, who was the God-father. This family then invited us over to their house for the baptism gathering, and we went. It was such a nice time with young Catholic families who were such a model of inspiration to us.
That afternoon wasn't by chance or coincidence. God placed us there to learn and experience something. Something about family. My mom, Brian, and my wife weren't just telling me things that they thought or felt. They had all prayed and were speaking from their heart. My decision likewise came from the heart. It was made in the best possible way that it could be... through prayer, contemplation, and the heart and mind joining forces. I realized that sometimes battles are won or lost not on the strongest or bravest fighter, nor are they always won by the smartest tactician or strategist. Sometimes battles are won by choosing to fight another day. And the war... well the war isn't won solely on the outcome of one battle. In fact, wars are broken up into individual battles that combine to create a war.
I know I haven't gone into many specifics... but what I learned today is that life is bigger than just us. Even our own lives are bigger than our own self. I learned something about myself today and about life as husband and father. Life isn't ours. Our life belongs to God. I made a decision that went against what *I* wanted. I passed on a dream opportunity for the sake of trying to do the best thing for my family. It didn't feel *good* instantly because we are such creatures of ourselves. We are blinded by the *self*. I couldn't even hear the words those closest to me were saying in an effort to console and comfort me. I was blinded by the *self*.
The war against evil wages on. My battle was not the tipping point. But by choosing to not rush into the war today, I may have won my battle and live to fight another day. See, I learned that to win the war we have to know which battles to fight in. We have to pick and choose based on more than our own desires.
As I stated at the outset of this long post, I prayed the St. Joseph Novena asking for help to discern my vocation as a husband, father, and my employment vocation as a Juris Doctor. What I learned today is that the husband part comes first. Then the father part. Then the career part. Saint Joseph first had to worry about Mary. As we know, he could have ran off, saved himself scandal, and kept his reputation and life nice and secure. But he was a devout husband who thought of Mary first. He could have also said that he wasn't ready to be the earthly father figure to Jesus, the Son of God. He could have run away from that role to pursue his desires and dreams... but my how the story would have changed. He could have pursued his life, his goals, and his career and life ambitions first. He chose not to. He chose others. He laid down his life... for those of his wife, and "step"-Son.
I learned that doing that isn't easy. And that "uneasy" feeling inside me? It was doubt, despair, and fear. We all know where those come from. God doesn't put those things in our heart... the Devil does. So I guess I didn't get a job from my Novena, yet, but I did get the clarity of heart to know how I will make the decision about one when the time comes. I know at the very least that I have learned to focus on the right things and the right people when making the decision. I have learned that all wars are fought in individual battles, and when the time comes hopefully I will be ready to fight in my battle. Until then... I guess today I chose to fight another day.
